"Why are guys such assholes?" A friend of mine asked me this not long ago, and I nearly choked on my ramen noodles because I had no immediate answer to the question.

I'm more used to the thought arriving in the form of a declarative sentence. As in, "Guys are such assholes," which no one living outside of the Canela tribe in South America is going to contest. It's true: Most guys are bastards.

The question, once asked, wouldn't go away. I had to find an answer.

I generated several theories which I've organized into a "list," enabling me to break up the newspaper page quite nicely.

1. Guys are bastards because they are biologically determined to be that way. It sounds like a good reason because it really gets us men off the hook. But it flies about as well a drunken emu. Reason? Not all men are bastards; just most. If being an ass were inherent to being a man, there wouldn't be any nice guys.

2. Guys are bastards because they are too stupid not to be. I discarded this theory faster than a Daily ad insert. Many guys are quite aware they're bastards. A lot of guys may be dumb, but more men are asses than are stupid.

3. Guys are raised by their parents to be bastards. Sounds reasonable, but I just can't convince myself that such an incredibly high percentage of mothers are deliberately raising bastards -- especially those who also have daughters.

4. Guys learn to become bastards from their peers. This seems rather probable. Being an bastard in third grade made a guy cool, you know? But this only explains how, not why. Unless No. 2 is true, guys would eventually figure things out and cease being bastards. Unless...

5. Guys are bastards because being a bastard is advantageous. This fits the situation like body paint on an SI swimsuit model. If it's true that "nice guys finish last," then it follows that the bastards must be finishing first.

Bastards get all the chicks. Everyone knows it. Especially the bastards.

Eventually, of course, the bastards get revealed. But after one woman finds out, the bastards can just go lure others. And so on. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Men are bastards because they are rational. They realize it is to their advantage to behave that way, and until someone does something to change this, the world will continue to spawn bastards like swamps do mosquitoes.

Women have the power to change all this.

After all, the bastards obviously aren't going to be interested in upsetting the status quo. And there aren't enough nice guys to tip the boat.

It's time you used your power, ladies. Put an end to this world where being a bastard makes sense. It's not that complicated. A bastard can easily be identified in his natural habitat if one knows what to look for.

Is he nice to everyone, or just you? Bastards feign kindness toward those they hope to get something from but treat others poorly.

Does he have any female friends? If not, spend some time thinking why that might be.

Does he ever speak with any of his ex's? If they all hate him passionately, it's not good.

Pay attention to his day-to-day actions, not just his words and grand gestures. Sure, he got you that car you wanted; sure, he says "I love you," but does he ask how you're feeling? Does he care about what's going on in your life? Is he interested in getting to really know you?

Stop giving guys chances they don't deserve, and the number of bastards will go down. I'm not saying ditch a guy on the first mistake he makes, but you can't forgive him forever just because he claims he's sorry. There are things you just don't let slide: infidelity, threats or use of physical force, etc.

From an anti-bastard perspective, it'd be great if all the women of the world created a gigantic database for every woman to access. If a guy's guilty of any physical violence or has at least ten extremely negative references, he ought to have a warning tattooed to his forehead. Of course, measures need to be taken to prevent one sour grape from ruining a decent guy's life. And there are some right to privacy issues here, but my point is, women need to keep each other informed about who to stay away from if being a bastard is ever going to become a bad idea.

Some women have already figured this out, and for that, I applaud them. But it needs to become more commonplace. Based on my research, roughly one in six men are not bastards. And half of those non-bastards are probably gay. We're in dire need of change here, folks.

Though I know few people who'd disagree with the assertion the vast majority of men are bastards, I'm willing to admit I may be wrong about why that's the case. Maybe the bastards do finish last, and maybe men act the way they do for some other reason. But I doubt it.

BACK TO isuDAILY PAGE